Random #1

Just writing whatever comes to mind. Nothing important. Don't worry... If you haven't lost interest already, you will soon enough.

So, who am I? Just some nameless face. 27, white male. Engaged and bought a house in the economic downturn. Doing pretty well for myself, but I'm just not feeling it.

I work for a huge corporation who, overall, has good intentions. But there's politics and inequalities in any large business and right now I'm asking myself, am I being walked on, or is this how it really should be? I take on a lot more than I really should be doing, but in this age, I'll do anything to ensure that I keep the paycheck coming. Since I do have a house and prospects of children in the not-to-distant future, I need to make sure that we are secure.

Part of the problem is that I still feel that I'm pretty young. That my mind and outlook are still being formed. I'm not saying that I don't want to settle down or anything, because I do. I just mean that in the midst of all of this responsibility, I feel that I'm hormonal and imbalanced. I'm looking for something to even me out.

I think that a lot of people fill this gap with religion, which isn't for me. I can understand why though. It would be comforting to submit fully to the world and say, "well, if it happens that way, it's how God intended it to happen." I'm sure that takes a load off of people shoulders. I just can't fathom the existence of God though. I think that the idea of God and that there is a life after this one really takes away from the present. I wonder if people would live their lives a lot differently if they fully understood that this is the only shot they'll get.

Make's me wonder too. Should I drop everything that I'm doing, sell all my possessions and hit the road to experience all that life has to offer before the times up? Will I become an old man wondering where the time went and wish that I could have done more instead of work myself into the ground? There's always a time limit.

Time is always on my mind. I remember when I was a teenager in high school, I used to sit staring at the clock watching time move on, trying to will myself to start my homework before it was too late. Every minute would pass and I'd panic further, but I'd never be able to just work with the time that I had left. I still get like that sometimes. If I end up making myself sick from stress, I'll be at home trying to recover, just making myself worse and worse as the time goes by.

#1 super power. Stopping time. Like the girl from out of this world. I remember watching that show as a kid and wishing I could do that. I used to think wow, I could freeze time and just sleep and relax and when I finally felt that I was ready, I could continue. Kinda sad that even as a young kid, that's what I wanted to do with that power. Not play pranks on people or go run through a girls locker room, but just relax.

As I'm writing this, I'm starting to realize that I've been stressed out a lot of my life. Come to think of it, the only time that I remember not being stressed out was after high school when I was doing the cleaning business thing. I think that that's when my first serious relationship had ended and I was more focused on fulfilling that gap in my life than I was about the overall picture. Hmmm, strange.

Come to think of it, I did a lot of writing at that time. Random pointless stuff like this. Maybe this will be a good stress relief. I feel that I'm going so fast that I don't even know why I think the things that I do. I'll be optimistic and continue on...

So what else makes me me? I used to identify myself as a musician, but I find that I'm so out of practice these days that I'm not sure if I can really make that claim. I love to sing and play the guitar and drums, but I feel that I'm missing something. I don't have a super strong singing voice, but like most closet singers, I sing and scream like mad when I'm in the car. Driving to and from work is my practice time. I don't often, but I love singing in front of people, when it's appropriate to do so, which I feel, isn't very often. If I have company over, I'm not gonna be like... oh, so everyone sit down and I'll play and sing you a song.... and I can't just start out of no where... it just seems off.

I'll go back and forth about my own impression of myself as a musician. I guess, just like the dude from Rent, all I want to do is write one song that will sum up my life and who I am as a person. Something for people to remember me by when I'm dead.

I think that's pretty impossible. I know that people want to be remembered, but we'll all be forgotten eventually. And those that are remembered will have their stories told wrong and altered over time so you won't really be remembered for who you are.

I often wonder if people see the world the same way that I do. I don't mean philosophically, I mean physically. Is my color red, the same as everyone else? I'm sure there's a very easy scientific answer for that. The way that the light bounces off our retinas and the parts of our brains that interpret it are more or less the same so yes... but I always thought it would be cool if people were seeing a completely different spectrum of colors... you learn that something is blue, because you're taught it, but you see at a wild intangible color that others are incapable of understanding.

Another random thought that I've tried to explain many times is what I call my realizations. This is something that has been happening to me since I was about three years old. I'll stop and take a glimpse of my surroundings and I'll suddenly become aware of myself. For a split second, I feel that I don't exist in the world and that I'm simply observing it. As I come back to earth, so to speak, I usually look at my hands, arms feet and my immediate surroundings and it's like I have to re-accept that the physical world is real. It's not just me thinking of weird crap... it's a physical feeling. Most of the time it's completely controllable and if I feel it coming on I can push it down, but it didn't used to always be that way. When I was younger, it would come on unexpectedly and I'd just have to deal with it. The first time it happened I was waking up from a nap when I was 3 years old and I remember seeing my room and arm hanging off the bed. Of course it wasn't very profound then, but like I said before, it's a very specific physical feeling. I remember when I was learning to drive I was very afraid that it would come on without warning and I'd end up swerving off the road. I found out that I could bring it on my self if I want to and since I willingly did that several times, I've been able to avoid it if I want to.

Most of the time it's not a very pleasant experience... coming back at least. It's like I was in a world of peace and non-obligation and I was suddenly thrown down into a world of rules and commitments. Most of the time I wish that I could just stay in the floating world in my head. I wonder if this is Nirvana? It would be hilarious if I was reaching enlightenment since I was a toddler, but unable to realize what it was.

That's a good place to stop. Man, what the heck was I smoking?